When anxiety meets relationships

Sometimes I write things out to clarify them for myself, and I realized what I was wrestling with might resonate with many of you, too.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself: when something painful gets triggered in a relationship, is it always an “inside job, ” an emotion to meet with awareness and presence, or is there value in speaking up, setting a boundary, and asking for what I need?

Take this small but charged example: My partner gets lost in his phone, and I feel neglected. When that contraction arises, my first instinct is to pause, open, and let it move through. Often, this is enough. The suffering dissolves when I rest in truth rather than identifying with the anxious story.

But sometimes, it’s not enough. Sometimes the tension builds in my jaw, in the back of my head, until words spill out: frustrations, needs, and grievances. And the self-expression can bring a huge sense of relief.

So what’s happening here? Is verbalizing my truth helping me awaken, or pulling me deeper into ego-identification?

Childhood Echoes

Like many of you, I couldn’t always speak up as a child. I grew up in an environment where silence ruled, and I witnessed a lot of interpersonal pain with no one “doing anything” about it. That silence shaped me.

Now, part of my healing seems to be about finding my voice. Saying “I feel…” or “I need…” might reinforce a sense of self, but it also feels essential for the human me who lives in relationship with other humans.

The Spiritual Perspective on Boundaries

Here’s where I get stuck: spiritual teachings often say not to take anything personally. I recently revisited The Four Agreements and paused at the line: “Someone could pass you on the street and say, 'She's ugly!' and you shouldn’t take it personally.”

I get the idea, that what others do is never truly about us. But what about boundaries? What about telling a judgmental friend to back off, kindly but clearly? Is that resistance to reality, or a healthy assertion?

Illusion and Relief

Here’s what I keep coming back to: the idea that “someone is hurting me” is, at its core, an illusion. When I investigate the anger or pain, there’s nothing solid there. And when I see that clearly, I feel relief.

Still, in day-to-day life, boundaries and communication matter. I can honor the truth of my inner freedom while also choosing to say what needs to be said. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

The Ongoing Inquiry

Ideally, I’d awaken so fully that I had no problem with anything. But for now, I live in the paradox: meeting pain with awareness, while also practicing speaking up when something inside me longs to be voiced.

This is the work. It's messy, human, and ongoing.

If you find yourself caught in the same tug-of-war between wanting inner peace and needing to speak up in your relationships, you’re not alone. I help people explore exactly this territory: how to meet anxiety with presence, how to find your voice, and how to live from a place of deeper freedom.